January should be a time of recovery and restoration from the madness (or lack thereof) of the festive period. Instead, some moron decided January was a time where we embark on some insane health and fitness craze, where we end up hating ourselves for the entirety of the month because we ate that one mini cheesecake left over from the Christmas party (just me? Awkward.)
Like many others, I jumped (or rather, clambered lazily) onto the diet bandwagon. Because, well you kind of have to because society sucks. Now, I’m no scientist, but I’ve learnt a thing or two about how not to diet since going along with this "healthy eating" madness at the start of January, which I’m going to share with you lucky people. Note that my tips are based on no scientific or factual research whatsoever, I’m just bored.
DON’T: Adopt a “waste not, want not” mantra when it comes to food. I hate wasting food- to me it’s the equivalent of a gym membership or leaving a £10 note in the back of a cab- A TOTAL WASTE OF MONEY. I’ve been brought up on the notion that wasting food meant you were contributing to world hunger, because DO YOU KNOW HOW MANY STARVING AFRICAN CHILDREN WOULD KILL TO EAT THE FOOD YOU’VE JUST CHUCKED IN THE BIN? Thus, as heart breaking as it is, you need to let go of those Christmas tree shaped shortbreads.
*p.s. I don’t know why I’m capitalising everything- food just makes me emotional.
DON’T: Go on a crash diet. I’ve tried. Life may be going swimmingly for a few days living off of coffee and cornflakes, but as soon as someone offers you a chocolate digestive, you cave in because it would be just plain rude to refuse food. The aftermath of this involves crying and eating another biscuit to ease the pain.
DON’T: Spend hours looking at pictures of Jourdan Dunn on Instagram. Although she is only one example of a near perfect human being, looking at anyone’s unachievable figure for too long is dangerous. You just end up hating Jourdan Dunn for being so goddamn perfect and yourself for being… well, not.
DON’T: Join the gym. Because everyone joins the gym in January and ends up dropping out by February. Therefore, this trend can only imply that joining the gym in February means that you’re much more likely to stick at it and pass for Nicole Scherzinger’s twin by March. Common sense really.
DON’T: Have a breakdown one Wednesday evening and randomly turn up to a Weight Watchers meeting. You’ll only end up embarrassing yourself by saying “my name is Georgia and I have a problem with biscuits and £1.50 jägerbombs…wait, this isn’t AA? Oops.” *hangs head in shame*
DON'T: Watch "Weighing Up the Enemy," a dieting programme where contestants part with their hard earned cash with the promise of winning it back providing that they lose more weight than their competitor. Apparently based on totally legit research by Yale University adapted by Dr Christian Jessen to exploit people's January body blues and make us all feel disgusted with ourselves. Well played Channel 4, well played.
DON’T: Organise an ordering of Indian and Nando’s with your flatmates via Twitter, even though you’re fat. And poor. Plus, what you agree to on Twitter is basically law binding so there is no escaping the Sunday night Indian. Ever.
DON’T: Work your way through an entire box of nearly stale Christmas biscuits whilst writing a blog post on dieting. Oops.
Happy frickin' January.
Love Georgia x
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