How To #23: Sexting for Total Amateurs

Once the territory of long distance couples, pervasive grown men on questionable chat rooms and the odd sexually charged teenager; now everyone’s at it. Or not at it, as the case may be.

Of course, I’m talking about sexting, the concept of which is hilarious. Obviously a word invented by the producers of This Morning to diagnose Diana’s horror when she found indecent texts on her 14 year old's Motorola Razr.

I personally blame it all on snapchat, for making sending that surprise, unwanted dick pic just that little bit easier.

And there’s rules to this game too, if you can’t stand the heat, keep your goddamn clothes on. If you want to know how to go from beginner to sexpert, ask your therapist or something because I have no fucking clue.

Gone are the days when a winky face was enough to arouse someone, now we require photographic stimulation that self-destructs in 10 seconds. Yay technology.

So yeah, I’m like the furthest thing from being an expert at this as they come. But I do have a couple of questions.

Is sexting like a planned thing, or do things just escalate and you then feel obliged to go along with it? Because god forbid you ignore a snapchat. I highly doubt you ask someone if they want to sext, mostly because it will be highly embarrassing for you if they say no. I like to think it just happens, but I don’t know, you might not be into that. We’re all just as fucking pathetic as each other though if you think about it.

How is sexting different to phone sex? I feel like phone sex could turn out to be very awkward unless you are already in a steady relationship with that person. In this situation where anything could happen, no one wants an awkward silence. Whilst acceptable if you live thousands of miles apart from each other, calling your significant other whilst they are on lunch at work is highly inappropriate, and also super awkward with a mouthful of tuna. Sexting doesn’t have that emotional attachment, so you can basically use each other for that 10 minutes of self-gratification whilst giving zero fucks.

How do you know when the time is right? I mean, right now you’re hovering in the innuendo, mildly sexy zone, but you don’t want to cross over into the *CUE RED FLASHING LIGHTS* sext zone. You can’t just go from pulling stupid facial expressions to a close up of your hooha, you’ll give the poor girl/guy a heart attack, for Christ sake. I’d say unless they explicitly tell you to take your shirt off (which, if they do, why are you giving this piece of shit the time of day?), give cues that you would like to move into the sext zone, pretty please. Start with a sneak peak of a bra strap or your chest and work your way up (or indeed, down) from there I guess.

Okay, so you’ve sent your sext-nificant other a really sexy photo, it’s probably your best one yet. Victoria Secret would be dying to hire you right now. You wait in anticipation for a gratifying response, and you keep waiting, maybe listen to a couple of Taylor Swift songs to pass the time. You check your phone and still nothing. There’s only three possible things that could be going on here. 1. They’ve fallen asleep before receiving it, which is just rude, I mean; you should be engagement enough to keep anyone awake at night. 2. They’ve opened it, but they haven’t replied, which means you’ve stepped over the mark and made them extremely uncomfortable, which you know, you kind of have to question your sanity for now. Failing this, and leading me onto point no 3, they’ve opened it, haven’t replied, but you bet they’ve screenshotted it, and are showing all their friends as they speak. You should’ve left it at bra strap, my friend.

All in all, I feel like sexting is more trouble than it’s worth. I mean, if you were that desperate, you’d just go and have sex with them. But it’s fun, and gives you something to do of a Sunday night, I suppose. Just a few general common sense rules about sexting to follow; which, if you don’t live by already, you should not have access to the internet, you amateur.

·         If you’re going to send a full body nude, for the love of God, don’t show your face. Or you know, do, if you want to be as famous as Kim Kardashian one day.

·         If they screenshot you, send out a hitman to take their phone and their life. 

·         Not to sound like an advert from the 2008, but remember that once you send a picture, you can’t get it back. Unless you work for MI5, in which case, screw all the rules.

Apart from that, let your virtual sexual appetite run wild, and just feel lucky about the fact that some of us are still petrified by Tinder.