How To #25: How To Love Yourself

Justin Bieber is perhaps smarter than we give him credit for- and it's high time we took his advice to LOVE YOURSELF. Don't pretend you didn't sing that out loud.

Stepping away from the comfort of my keyboard, the smart arses among you will notice that this blog post is in video format. Two points for you, you go Glen Coco.

I'm about as natural in front of the camera as Donald Trump is in front of Muslims, but I thought I'd try something new.

Please excuse my exaggerated hand gestures and general appearance. Also the editing is really lame; I used a free editing programme and the background music sounds like the opening titles of a Pixar film, but if all goes well, I promise I'll do better next time. If it doesn't- well, that's four minutes of your life you'll never get back.

The idea is that alongside my blog, I'll have a snapchat you can follow and watch my weekly topical videos and daily antics.

So without further ado, roll the titles.

As Over Baes

It's a new school year, which means new start, new you, and fresh new stationary from Poundland. Because not all of us can afford Paperchase, okay? 

If you're blindly optimistic, or failing that, just plain stupid, you've probably already set yourself a goal for this year. Study harder, get involved in a sport (LOL,) make new friends, try to turn up to all your lectures instead of binge watching Game of Thrones. 

I wasn't sure what my goal was for this year; heck, I don't even know what my goal is for tomorrow apart from getting out of my bed in the morning. But scrolling through Twitter as I do 23 hours out of the day, I came across something that pretty much summed it up: 

Once you get over the brilliant word play going on here, you can actually reflect a little bit. How many times in your academic career have you put "As before Baes?" Don't lie, I know you're thinking about them when you should be studying electrolysis. 

If I could go back and give my teenage self some advice, it would be a. a full fringe is a terrible idea, and b. don't put boys before schoolwork. 

I didn't think I had, I mean, I was a pretty straight laced student who's idea of rebellion was refusing to draw margins on my pages. But thinking about it, the subjects I probably fell flat on my face in during my GCSEs were geography and IT. Not because I had poor geographical insight and even poorer technological knowledge, although yes, I'm not going to be a computer whizz anytime soon. They were the two subjects where a boy I liked was also in. Cue me staring at their face for an hour instead of looking at the whiteboard. 

I went from getting distinctions in my Year 9 geography to scraping through with a pass, all because I was on a mission to get the boy I sat next to in class to fall in love with me. Same goes for IT, but different guy, obviously. I failed one of my IT units because I spent entire lessons having "banter" with this guy and was convinced we pretended to hate each other because we were in denial about the fact we were really meant to be. They don't give GSCEs out for banter, Georgia. And this isn't a remake of 10 Things I Hate About You. 

Admittedly, I place part of the blame on Taylor Swift for putting such stupid 'Love Story' esque ideas into young people's heads. But I was just as at fault for thinking boys were the be all and end all. Newsflash, you're probably not going to walk down the aisle with that girl/guy you're sending "cheeky" snapchats to right now. 

Subconsciously, that's probably why I ended up moving to an all girls' school. Those two A Level years marked the first time I focused on myself, and what I really wanted out of life. 

I'm not saying don't get in a relationship, I mean, I wouldn't know but I hear they're pretty decent. I'm saying consider whether that girl or guy is worth missing out on a lesson for, or leaving that piece of homework to the last minute because you spent all night waiting for them to text back. Think about where you want to be in 10 years time, and then think about whether this girl/guy is going to help you get to that place. If the answer is no, keep your eyes off the arse and pay attention in class. 

I'm not advising that you go around all this academic year singing ~As Over Baes,~ although it would make a brilliant Beyonce song. If your goal for this year is going to be anything, make this the year you put yourself first. Yeah, it may sound selfish, but who cares? The one thing I've learnt in my 19 years of existence is that nothing, and nobody, lasts forever. Friends, boyfriends and girlfriends come and go, but you're the only person that has got to live with yourself for the rest of your life.   

That girl that you spent all chemistry lesson trying to impress but is still clearly not interested? Let her go, she's not worth another D on your exam paper. 

That guy that claims he only talks to you but clearly has "banter" with all the other girls? Guess what, he's probably going to get crap grades and you're going to end up going to Oxford or something, who knows? 

This year, DO YOU. Because you are brilliant, and you don't need someone on your arm to prove that. 

LOVE 
Georgia x 

How To #23: Sexting for Total Amateurs

Once the territory of long distance couples, pervasive grown men on questionable chat rooms and the odd sexually charged teenager; now everyone’s at it. Or not at it, as the case may be.

Of course, I’m talking about sexting, the concept of which is hilarious. Obviously a word invented by the producers of This Morning to diagnose Diana’s horror when she found indecent texts on her 14 year old's Motorola Razr.

I personally blame it all on snapchat, for making sending that surprise, unwanted dick pic just that little bit easier.

And there’s rules to this game too, if you can’t stand the heat, keep your goddamn clothes on. If you want to know how to go from beginner to sexpert, ask your therapist or something because I have no fucking clue.

Gone are the days when a winky face was enough to arouse someone, now we require photographic stimulation that self-destructs in 10 seconds. Yay technology.

So yeah, I’m like the furthest thing from being an expert at this as they come. But I do have a couple of questions.

Is sexting like a planned thing, or do things just escalate and you then feel obliged to go along with it? Because god forbid you ignore a snapchat. I highly doubt you ask someone if they want to sext, mostly because it will be highly embarrassing for you if they say no. I like to think it just happens, but I don’t know, you might not be into that. We’re all just as fucking pathetic as each other though if you think about it.

How is sexting different to phone sex? I feel like phone sex could turn out to be very awkward unless you are already in a steady relationship with that person. In this situation where anything could happen, no one wants an awkward silence. Whilst acceptable if you live thousands of miles apart from each other, calling your significant other whilst they are on lunch at work is highly inappropriate, and also super awkward with a mouthful of tuna. Sexting doesn’t have that emotional attachment, so you can basically use each other for that 10 minutes of self-gratification whilst giving zero fucks.

How do you know when the time is right? I mean, right now you’re hovering in the innuendo, mildly sexy zone, but you don’t want to cross over into the *CUE RED FLASHING LIGHTS* sext zone. You can’t just go from pulling stupid facial expressions to a close up of your hooha, you’ll give the poor girl/guy a heart attack, for Christ sake. I’d say unless they explicitly tell you to take your shirt off (which, if they do, why are you giving this piece of shit the time of day?), give cues that you would like to move into the sext zone, pretty please. Start with a sneak peak of a bra strap or your chest and work your way up (or indeed, down) from there I guess.

Okay, so you’ve sent your sext-nificant other a really sexy photo, it’s probably your best one yet. Victoria Secret would be dying to hire you right now. You wait in anticipation for a gratifying response, and you keep waiting, maybe listen to a couple of Taylor Swift songs to pass the time. You check your phone and still nothing. There’s only three possible things that could be going on here. 1. They’ve fallen asleep before receiving it, which is just rude, I mean; you should be engagement enough to keep anyone awake at night. 2. They’ve opened it, but they haven’t replied, which means you’ve stepped over the mark and made them extremely uncomfortable, which you know, you kind of have to question your sanity for now. Failing this, and leading me onto point no 3, they’ve opened it, haven’t replied, but you bet they’ve screenshotted it, and are showing all their friends as they speak. You should’ve left it at bra strap, my friend.

All in all, I feel like sexting is more trouble than it’s worth. I mean, if you were that desperate, you’d just go and have sex with them. But it’s fun, and gives you something to do of a Sunday night, I suppose. Just a few general common sense rules about sexting to follow; which, if you don’t live by already, you should not have access to the internet, you amateur.

·         If you’re going to send a full body nude, for the love of God, don’t show your face. Or you know, do, if you want to be as famous as Kim Kardashian one day.

·         If they screenshot you, send out a hitman to take their phone and their life. 

·         Not to sound like an advert from the 2008, but remember that once you send a picture, you can’t get it back. Unless you work for MI5, in which case, screw all the rules.

Apart from that, let your virtual sexual appetite run wild, and just feel lucky about the fact that some of us are still petrified by Tinder.