Tuesday, 23 December 2014

Your Christmas Dilemmas Solved!

True it’s the most wonderful time of the year, but it’s also filled with more stress and drama than you can shake a candy cane at. As it’s also a time of good will and all that, I answer your Christmas dilemmas. Kind of like an agony aunt but drunk and disorderly.

 Do I really need that second mince pie?
The short answer is yes, yes you do. Everyone knows that food eaten over Christmas doesn’t actually count. It’s the only time of year where you don’t have to cower in shame as you work your way through the majority of the Quality Street box. I’m also pretty sure there’s an unofficial rule that states exercise and ‘healthy eating’ (whatever the hell that is) is banned during the holidays. If you don’t have a stomach cramps and can physically remove yourself from your seat after dinner, you’re doing Christmas wrong.

How do I keep from dying of embarrassment due to the antics of drunken relatives?
I personally think that drunken relatives are hilarious. They’re only embarrassing if people outside of your family know you’re related to them. Obviously, it depends on the extent of the embarrassment. Singing loudly to ‘Fairytale of New York’ is all well and good, but when Uncle Jim starts pelting mince pies at passers by, it’s time to lay off the Bailey’s.

How do I keep a straight face whilst opening really awful presents?
Showing gratitude for a present that you really, really didn’t want is an art which takes years to perfect. The best guide to adhere to is as follows: 1. Don’t stare at the gift for too long, it makes it seem like you’re inspecting it with the hope of finding something nice to say about it, which can be near enough impossible in the worst case scenarios. 2. Don’t make passive comments such as “oh, um…thanks Aunt Jean,” instead show how enthusiastic you are about being the proud new owner of that post it note holder, e.g. “Now I finally have somewhere to put my post it notes!” If this plan falls through and they suspect your dislike, just yell “ABORT, ABORT” and get out of there as quickly as possible.

The In-Laws
Not being married myself, I can’t help you much on this one. I think the general consensus is to keep your head down, awkwardly laugh at the Father- in laws sometimes racist jokes and pretend not to die inside every time the mother in law asks when you’re giving her grandchildren.

Board Games vs. TV
Both enticing prospects, but when you’re only options are Monopoly or the EastEnders Christmas special, you wondered why you bothered making an effort in the first place. Board games are more likely to end in a break out of World War III, but vegetating in front of the TV is mind numbing and kind of defeats the object of this so called “family time.” A happy medium is to watch TV whilst playing board games, then when you get bored of your Dad cheating at Scrabble, you can pretend to be a character in Downton Abbey for a little bit.

Boxing Day Sales- Yay or Nay?
In other words, would you rather spend your Boxing Day elbowing vicious shoppers in M&S or eating the entirety of a Cadbury’s Milk Tray in your onesie? Thought so. Moving on.

Do I risk doing the bulk of my shopping on Christmas Eve?
Approach this with extreme caution. If you’ve ever been out shopping on Christmas Eve, it’s like a parade of last minute Joes running around House of Fraser like headless chickens pleading with the sales assistants “What do you mean you've run out of Chanel no.5?!” More than likely, the most gift worthy item you’ll find on Christmas Eve is a sausage roll from Greggs.

How do I cope with post-Christmas blues?
The emotional process of post-Christmas blues is like mourning the death of your dead hamster, its life was fleeting- it scuttled around quickly and ate too much, but you enjoyed it whilst it lasted. January is awful, there’s no doubt about it. I personally think that we should be allowed to stay in bed for this entire month to recover from the festive period, but until I am elected Prime Minister, you’re going to have to stop wearing your Christmas jumper and listening to I Wish it Could be Christmas Everyday on repeat well into January.

Have a very Merry Christmas and a fabulous New Year! 

Love Georgia x 

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