Friday, 19 June 2015

BLOOD, SWEETS AND TEARS: Episode I; The Coffee Menace

Okay, there was no blood involved, but there may as well have been. Two days into my no caffeine or sugar thing, and I’m ready to tear the head off anyone who dares to speak to me before 9:00 in the morning.

It’s said that you should always look on the bright side of life. Well, I’ve seen the bright side of life, and it has coffee and oreos.

This is not the bright side of life; this is a different kind of miserable existence.

Truth be told, I did allow myself a cup of tea in the morning- because I feel like I may give up on life without it. I also had a party ring for breakfast because there was no other food in my flat and it was just sitting there, waiting.

They were just there okay?

Quick tip, if you’re going to lapse, make sure it’s in the early hours of the morning or in the dead of night so no one is witness to your shame.

By mid-afternoon, I was either ready to kill someone who dared mention the ‘C’ word or take a nap- there was no in between. All I wanted to do was lie in bed and eat ice cream, which I couldn’t do because of the sugar, because the world is a cruel, dark place.

The starting benefits of this crazed health kick were few and far between, but there were some. Or maybe I was just delirious from a lack of sleep.

Cutting out sugary snacks, which I usually ate, hmmm, let me think…EVERY FRICKIN’ HOUR OF THE DAY, meant I was more inclined to eat bigger meals. Terrible news for my summer 2k15 body goals, but I had an appetite that could only be parallel to that of the kid from Matilda who ate all the chocolate cake (childhood hero).

 I went out to a Turkish restaurant to eat and ordered the same meal that before I could only eat half of, instead polishing off the lot. I wasn’t sure whether to feel shame or achievement, but at least I didn’t throw it back up like last time (there was vodka involved, another story for another day.)

Since I had a nasty break up with coffee, I started to replace my usual caffeinated beverages with water, you know, that stuff that comes out of the tap (or mountains, depending on your water sourcing preferences.) Despite needing to pee all the bloody time, water is great- I don’t know why I’ve never discovered it before. My skin has already started to clear up, although don’t expect to see me in a Maybelline ad anytime soon. Or ever for that matter.

Water, you say? What a wonderful invention!

So despite being fat, miserable and extremely agitated, I’ll start to see the beneficial fruits of my labour soon, right?


Oh Christ.

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As always, thanks for reading.


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