Tuesday, 6 October 2015

10 Things I Hate About Autumn

You know those blog posts that are listed "Things I Love About Fall," often with a picture of leaves or a pumpkin or something? This is not one of those posts, although there will be both leaves and pumpkins, so don't quit on me just yet.

1. When British people call it 'Fall.'

Say it with me 'AUTUMN,' not 'FALL.'

Okay, I'm a grammar Nazi, not going to lie. The Americans have given us many great things, such as the internet and the Kardashians, but their dialect is not one of them. You are not in a Disney Channel Original Movie, and it is not called Fall on this side of the pond. 'Fall' is what you do when you've had one too many sambuka shots and you stack it walking along the pavement. In this merry old land of Great Britain, we call it Autumn. Okay? Okay.

2. Pumpkin on everything, pumpkin on everythang

Is it nice? Is it really, Starbucks?

I'm all about healthy eating, but pumpkins are kind of the autumn equivalent of Brussels Sprouts, being that they only come out once year. If anyone saw you eating them any other time of the year, everyone would be in uproar. I like pumpkin, I'm a fan of pumpkin soup every now and again. But when we start to think it's acceptable to put it in lattes, you have to stand back and question the sanity of humanity. Would you drink a carrot latte? Or perhaps a cabbage latte? No you would not, so why is everyone obsessed with pumpkin lattes. Like with many of life's dilemmas such as the economic crisis or the rise of Donald Trump, I blame Starbucks entirely.

3. The price of jumpers


Maybe my middle class mindset just means I shop in all the wrong places, but you can end up paying anything upwards of £30 for a jumper (other knitted items are available.) Now yes, you in the back there with the Paul's Boutique bag may argue that Primark jumpers are like £12 or something, but all you have to do is wash it and it disintegrates. Also they're scratchy. If it doesn't feel like I'm cuddling a sheep, I'm not wearing it. I cannot believe that I'm being charged £35 just so I can not freeze to death. If anything, they should be free on the NHS or something. This is why I should be Prime Minister.

4. Halloween hotheads 
I couldn't give a shit about your Halloween costume. 

Halloween is the worst holiday of the year, fact. In fact, it's not even a holiday. Maybe if I actually got a day off, I'd be a lot more appreciative of it. But a select few love Halloween, and they tell everyone about it. I mean, you're 22 years old, do you actually love Halloween, or do you just say you do because that's the cool, oh-my-gosh-I'm-so-nerdy thing to do? It would be fine if they left the rest of us alone, but no, they exclude everyone else who doesn't start planning their Halloween costumes in January. As they say in Mean Girls, "Halloween is the one time of year where girls can dress like sluts, and no other girls can say anything about it." So if I want to wear cat ears from Asda and whiskers drawn on with eyeliner, I will okay.

5. When people say "Is it October already?" in total shock. 

Yes, October does tend to come directly after September. Next stupid question please.

6. Leaving work or school when it's dark

Bubble wrap mode engaged
It's five pm, FIVE PM and I'm fearing for my life when I leave the building.

7. The cold and flu epidemic begins 


I literally had all summer, all summer when I had nothing to do to get sick, and biology chooses now when I have seven hundred and twenty thousand essays due. To make it worse, people cough in lecture theatres one after the other like they've rehearsed some kind of coughing medley. Stop it, go home.

8. People reminding you how cold it is
Everyone just needs to calm the fuck down

I know this is Britain, and I know we love to talk about the weather to a borderline obsessive extent, but I can see it's raining. I know it's cold. Please don't then proceed to tell me how cold you are, because I actually couldn't give a flying monkey about your body temperature.

9. Not knowing when it's appropriate to turn the heating on 


As the saying goes, in the game of heating, you win or you die. Turn it on and there's a risk of it being hotter than the sun, leave it off and you could freeze to death- when they find you, you'll just be an icicle of your former self. If you're middle class enough to have a fireplace, this is also an option, but only in extreme circumstances, for example when you come in from skiing practice and Mummy makes you an M&S finest Pumpkin spice hot chocolate with extra pumpkin.

10. The fact that it's not socially acceptable to hibernate until summer 
Preach it, Grandma.
If I could, I would hide under my duvet with Netflix and a cup of tea until April, maybe even May. I really don't think that's much to ask. I might come out for Christmas, but only during presents and food.

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